Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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