weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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