There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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