Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
