I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
