Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
