I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
