i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
