If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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