I heard we made out
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
