I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
