So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
