Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize