How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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