Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
