every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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