I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
