Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
