I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
