I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
