I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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