I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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