just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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