I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
