I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
