She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
