i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize