I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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