Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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