It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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