I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
