i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
