youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
