Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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