I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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