I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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