someone threw a dead crab at me
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
