The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
