I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
