You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
