careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
