Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
