note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
