If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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