The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
