your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
