I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
