the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
