So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
