I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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