so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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