I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
