Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
