I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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