well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
