So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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