My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
