At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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